#trace_me
#smile_and_dial
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Steven Wright
An escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. You should never see an 'Escalator Temporarily Out of Order' sign, just 'Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.'
Mitch Hedberg
I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
Steven Wright
Saying 'I’m sorry' is the same as saying 'I apologize.' Except at a funeral.
Demetri Martin
It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.
Steven Wright
Swimming is a confusing sport because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it not to die.
Demetri Martin
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
Mitch Hedberg
I like to use ‘I can’t believe it’s not butter’ on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous.
Demetri Martin
I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, 'Dude, you have to wait.'
Mitch Hedberg
I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that day.
Mitch Hedberg
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.
Demetri Martin
I installed a skylight in my apartment... The people who live above me are furious.
Steven Wright